Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
