There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
