I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
