Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
