Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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