happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
