I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
