so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
