There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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