Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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