I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize