Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
