God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
