Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
