Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize