walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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