did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize