So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
