we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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