I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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