I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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