i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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