I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
