he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
They took my balls.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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