I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
smell my finger.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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