hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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