your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
