my phone needs a breathalizer
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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