I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
