she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
