Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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