Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my shit smells like andre
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
