New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
