I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Never underestimate the power of titties
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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