I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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