I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
