And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
