Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
