You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize