I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
