i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
