Sry I called you an 8
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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