Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
FUCK WHALES
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
