i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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