Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
