I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
