If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
