never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
that may or may not have been my penis.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
