my mouth tastes like poor choices
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
