I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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