I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
