watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
