I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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