she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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