shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
