By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
