Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize