just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
