I think I won the penis lottery.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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